personal.

warning: this post will probably go on for a while, and it possibly wont make much sense but i'm just writing because i've had so much thinking time today and i just feel the need to write it all out to get it off my chest. and i'm sorry that this is my first post in TEN DAYS! and it's a moany/weird one yet again but there will possibly be a few happy posts following it as i haven't updated you all on my life lately. so yes, this is just what's been on my mind today/the last few days and doesn't really relate to anything really it's all just a bit of a ramble.

erm, i don't really know how to start, i don't know where to start because i don't know how i feel.

i've been listening to adele - someone like you, alot lately and it kinda describes my feelings a little bit.

i'm scared to write what's on my mind because i'm fully aware that the person it's kinda about will maybe read this and i don't want it to sound like something it isn't. blah.

i don't miss being with you.

i don't miss having you by my side.

i don't miss pinky promises and personal jokes.

i don't miss our relationship or our friendship.

i don't miss us.

but everytime i think of it, i start to miss little aspects of it.

i start to miss our friendship and how comfortable i was with you.

and i start to cry when i imagine that you and her now have personal jokes, and that you probably say some of the things you said to her that you used to say to me. and that you probably look at her the way you used to look at me when we first got together.

and the other day i read back on some of the letters you used to write me, i read back the letter you wrote me to tell me you had fell in love with me. and it scares me a bit.

i don't know why it upsets me. i don't know why i even start crying. maybe it's because i do miss you. but i don't miss you and want to be with you. i just miss you. i don't know if i do or not but i think i do.

it's strange how we used to speak everyday and now i barely speak to you.

i look back and i like what we had. but i hate it at the same time.

i listen to the song 'you and i both' by jason mraz and it reminds me of you. alot of things remind me of you.

i hate that i'm sat here writing a blog post about you, because it may seem like i'm not over you. i am over you.

we've both moved on. it's strange. it's so weird how not so long ago we were sat in bed opening our anniversary presents. we were going down the river in a boat talking about our future. we were in love.

i remember becoming really unhappy with my life in september/october and i think that had a massive affect on our relationship. i took so many things out on you.

i sometimes wonder how the hell we ever let things get here. how, at one minute everything seemed so perfect and then became so bad. it's so strange.

it's strange that at this time three months ago, i literally would have broke down at the thought of my life without you. the situation that we're in now would have been my worst possible nightmare. and now it just doesn't bother me. i hadn't even properly cried until a few days ago, well not since i was still accepting the whole thing. strange.

i wish i knew how i felt so i could make more sense of things.

i think i'll always love you.

wow, i just wrote that.

i'm not in love with you.

i don't want to be with you all the time.

i don't want you back.

i don't hate the thought of you being with someone else.

but i want you to be happy.

i still care if you're okay.

i still think a lot of you.

and i've said bad things about you. and i know you've changed.

i just want you to be happy.

i'm happy.

if you do read this. please don't ask questions because chances are i probably wont be able to answer them.

we're both two completely different people than the people we both fell in love with.

what we had was something special.

i hope you can have that again, and i hope that you can one day give that feeling to somebody else. and i hope you're just as happy, if not happier than what we was.

you'll probably get so freaked out if you do read this.

it's not as bad as i'm making it sound.

i don't think of you all the time or anything. you've just been on my mind for a bit today.

and i'm rambling and not even making sense but i don't even know how i feel so i don't really know how to explain it to you.

maybe one day, in years to come, we'll meet somewhere and be friends again. good friends.

so much going on in my head atm.

it's weird that we've both moved on.

well, i think we've both kind of moved on in different ways as i'm not getting with anyone or anything.

but, it's just all weird how different things are.

i hope i never forget what we had.

i'm gonna do a positive post now and shut up talking shit.

goodbye.