Tuesday, 11 May 2010

i'll find strength in pain, and i will change my ways.

i'm sorry if anybody gets annoyed with this, or thinks it's me attention seeking or whatever your opinions are of this or whatever. in previous posts i've had comments from people saying it's better to talk to people you don't really know sometimes. this is honestly just a bunch of everything that is on my mind and i'm sorry for sounding depressing or anything like that. i'll probably delete this by tomorrow i just really need to rant. about two years ago i would have been sat with one of my best friends crying on their shoulder with them telling me everything is going to be okay. right now, i honestly don't have a best friend. i have nobody at all to talk to so i have to resort to ranting about my feelings online. to a bunch of people who i don't know.

today i got the lowest mark in a test in my whole class, and we had to read our results back to the class.
i have an exam for that subject in about a week.
on my birthday two months ago, i found out horrible news which now only means i get to see my mom three times a week if i'm lucky. which also means none of the family ever visit anymore.
i recently told my dad i wanted nothing more to do with him. he just comes back in to my life when he feels like it to hurt me and i hate it.
i hate sixth form and it's worst place in the world and i'm so unhappy there.
i feel ugly.
i feel crap at everything.
i lack motivation and i feel like i'm constantly bringing others down with me.

i just lost my best friend.
dan broke up with me today.
i have nobody to speak to and i feel so lost.

i just wish i had no commitments so i could just get away from here for a bit and not have to face the people i don't like and go to the place i don't like every single day.
i want to go away just for a few weeks just to think and to get away from here and not have to cry daily.
i'm sick of having panic attacks and nearly being sick from crying so hard.
i'm sick of trying so hard to make people happy and feeling unappreciated for it.
i'm sick of having nobody.

i miss the person i used to be.
i want to be told, 'everytime i see you you're laughing' again.

i hate every aspect of my life at the moment.

my sister and her boyfriend broke up yesterday.
it's horrible because they seem to perfect.
and i feel guilty for sitting in bed for hours crying when she's downstairs after coming out of a four year relationship probably feeling 100x worse than i am.
i hate myself for crying over the person that makes me happy and goes out of his way to be hurtful.

maybe it's just me.
i want to change.
i apologise in advance if my blogging becomes less frequent or crappy lately.
everything will be okay in time.

this may make no sense at all to some people.
i'm still here, i just need time.


  1. Good quote!:D

    Happy Tuesday!:D

    ...and everything girly under the sun!

  2. You should be able to rant as much as you want - it's your blog. I'm really sorry you feel so rubbish and I am so glad I am not the only one who gets so depressed! Is it just me or do you hate it too when people tell you to get a grip and think how lucky you are compared to the less fortunate? Sorry to feed your depression but my life motto is "Never expect anything good, then you won't be disappointed." I hate life at the moment and no-one else understands!! I sound really emo but I'm not haha!
    I'm really not good with giving advice and if I tried to be helpful, knowing me, it'd probably sound really false and generic. Just try to concentrate on exams because these are important in the long term. Then you can try to sort out other things after the exams are over.
    Or EAT EAT EAT. x

  3. :) thank you jade.
    and yeah i like that motto too! i've started saying it quite a bit actually :)
    the comment was lovely so don't worry about any advice.
    i hope you feel okay soon too :(
    i'm not an emo either, although my blog has started to become quite depressing aha :)
    i suppose everybody has ups and downs.
    everything will turn out okay i'm sure. x

  4. Me and my boyfriend broke up a month ago and it is SO shit, I feel the exact same as you right now. I hate college, I have no REAL friends, no one has been here for me at all in the past few weeks. I can completely relate to how you are feeling. I would love to give you some advice, but I don't know, i've been looking for this advice for myself also!

    But i'm sure everything will work out


  5. aw sweetpea, im sorry to hear about everything thats going wrong for you. and for the people who think you are trying to get attention or whatever on your blog : its your blog. if they dont want to read they dont have to, but there are some people (like me) who are actually interested in what you have to say. i know i haven't commented before, but i just wanted to tell you. :)

    hope you feel better soon lovely xxx

  6. i like rants! i'm sory about your boyfriend and everything :(. because i don't know you personally i don't know whether your points are true but i know you definitely should not feel ugly! you're really pretty ((:,X

  7. oh love,
    this made me so sad to read.
    it looks like you are having a really hard time. but remember it happens to everyone. i know there is probably nothing any of us can say to make you feel better. but you are in charge of your own happiness! you can make good things happen and i know you will. stay positive, and know you can have things back the way they were. call your boy and don't up until things get right again, show him you can be that girl you used to be.

    just don't give up! things can only get better from here..