Decisions...

Ever since I remember I've been indecisive, I know I want things I just don't exactly know out I want. I know I'm hungry but I don't know what it is I want to eat. I know I'm bored and wanna go out and do something, I just don't know what I want to do. 

However, this also applies with my career choices and my ultimate life plans.

If you have been reading my blog for a while you will know that when it came to going to sixth form I choose subjects I liked and found easy rather than thinking about my future career and what I needed to get there. When it came to deciding what I wanted to do at university I choose something again that I found would be easy for me.

It didn't take long at uni for me to then realise that everybody on my course was there for different reasons than I was... everybody was passionate about it, everybody had dreams of doing that subject for years and already had their dream jobs in mind, whereas I just choose it because it felt like I had to quickly make a decision I wasn't even prepared to make.

Of course, I quickly dropped out of uni.

Everybody around me still tells me this was a bad decision.

But why would I waste my time doing a course I didn't even really wanna do? Studying something I had no intentions of spending the rest of my life doing?

Once I dropped out I stayed in London and got a job at a cocktail bar, met some of the greatest people ever and made some great memories, I loved it.

But I knew I didn't want to be there for the rest of my life (obviously)!

This brings me to today, today I woke up and got a phone call saying that the bar I worked at has been closed down. 

Of course many sad thoughts have been running through my head, but I also instantly felt pressured to make yet another decision to get a new job.

I want a job that I love and that I can hopefully gain a career out of. 

And now I face the ultimate decision, what do I want to do in life? Where can I see myself years down the line? And how do I get there?

It's scary to just make a decision that can affect your life so much, but I think today has presented that opportunity to me completely.

It's time to stop with all the part time jobs and figure out a real job.

I need to look at my options and see what I really want in life and what it's going to take for my to get there.

Once I've decided, if it means starting at the very bottom of a job, I will do it. If it means going back to education I'll do it.

I just need some time to make this huge decision that most people have always known about themselves and that I have never known.

I'm sure I'll find the answer in time.

happy happy mood.

i don't know why really,
probably because i've not had to do anything all day.
i've lazed around the majority of the day and began to clean my room.
things are slowly getting ticked off my 'to do list' which also makes me very happy.
on monday it's my anniversary also! eeek. not that we're doing anything but i'm excited anyway :)
i shall fill you all in on whatever happens.

i'm waiting for sixth form to fully send off my university applications and i can't wait to find out if i've got in or not.
sixth form is a drag as always but i'm trying to get on with it so i can get out of there as soon as possible :D

also, it's NOVEMBER! which means only a month till DECEMBER!
where the hell has this year gone!?

i've literally done nothing this year, i feel like i've got really lazy also. definatley needs to change next year!
i'm being rather pessimistic today and i don't actually know why.
you can probably tell i'm in a good mood just by the way i'm babbling on about points that make no sense or have no relevance what so ever.

at six i'm off to work at the indian restaurant i used to work at, i really need the money and as i don't have actually have any proper work for 2 weeks i guess i need to.

anyway, not a lot has happened really, been spending plenty of time with dan and family as well as friends.
had far too many takeaways lately. went to see othello on tuesday which was good. applied to uni. that's about it really.
i'm a boring sod.

hope everybody is all good! :D

middlesex/london

so as some of you may know from my previous posts on the weekend my and my friend nikki went off to middlesex to meet my sister and to look around middlesex university.
the building was beautiful and everybody there was so helpful and i really liked it. the accomodation wasn't amazing but you can't have everything can you? :)

throughout the day we ate lovely italian food, bought the cutest cupcakes, drank starbucks, got our hairs done at hari's hairdressers in chelsea (i'd reccomend it to anybody) as well as eyeing up the amazing cars outside harrods, drinking the best strawberry milkshakes in the world and checking out all of the designer shops in sloane square.

such a good day!

did anybody else do anything exciting on the weekend?

:)

back to sixth form and choice of university.

so i have just gone back to do my final year of sixth form and i'm still quite overwhelmed by how quick everything has happened.
it still feels like i've not long ago left school yet this time next year i will beginning university! how crazy.
i remember how excited i got before sixth form, wanting a huge change and what not, only to then realise it was nothing like i expected and as where i live was so small i really wasn't gonna get much of a change.
so this time round i'm going to lower my expectations even though i do have slightly higher hopes from university, i just don't want to be disappointed again.

also, this time i'm making sure i really do have a change by choosing a university in london which is about 3 hours away from where i live right now and i wont know anybody there at all. i do have a sister who lives in london but it will still be such a big change so i'm just hoping it's a change for the good this time.

i get the feeling this final year is going to fly and lately i've kinda been trying to be a little bit more independant at sixth form, but today i realised that this time next year i really wont see half of my friends very much so i'm not kinda scared and wanting to just make this final year one to remember.

i'd love to know what the future holds for me.
maybe i worry too much.
maybe i over analyse things that will all really be okay.

why am i even writing about this?

growing up.

it's 4pm and i'm still in bed.
all morning/afternoon i've sat in bed ate toast and watched the hills and the sex and the city movie.
it's really sunny today too but dan is ill so i don't fancy going out on my own.

today i've been thinking about the future a lot. it's a bad habit lately because i really should be living for now but lately i can't help myself.
i can't believe that i'll be 18 soon. i'll be an adult. i'll be expected to do everything for myself and stuff.
i was also thinking about university, i do this a lot. i'm scared of uni, although it's not for another year i get to scared of change. i used to love change but now it just scares me.
i mean i'd love more than anything to get out of where i live now but i'm dreading only getting to see dan monthly and stuff.
i keep thinking like, what if everybody at uni will hate me, i'll have nobody because i'll be so far away from family and friends and dan and i'll have nobody there to rely on.
scary thought.

i hate looking in to the future sometimes.
on a positive note, the future does involve christmas, my 18th birthday itself and my second year anniversary.
it's not all bad.

i need to stop though i think, it's not good to live in the future.

university...

we have two days of sixth form writing our ucas personal statements ready for university.
mine is going to be awful so i'm trying to avoid doing it, meanwhile i've been browsing universities online all morning and i've come across a university i really like the look of!
it's in london which is about 3 hours away from where i am now and i would be doing a journalism course combined with creative writing. perfect. however, i'm predicted BCC for my A levels and you need 3 B's which is a bit of an issue. especially since i did really bad in my first year of sixth form so i think my predicted grades may have gone even lower than that so if i want this enough then i really need to try hard.

university has never really been much of an option but right now i'm actually quite excited for it, i'm dreading leaving everyone especially dan as we would have been together about 3 years by then but he wants to go surrey so hopefully if we're still together then we wont be too far away.

anyway, so right now and all day tomorrow i will be writing my personal statement which i always find impossible to do as i don't actually do much. like i don't volunteer or anything, i think maybe throughout the summer and next year i may become more involved and hard working and do things with myself to give myself more of an chance of getting in to my chosen university.
the school i go to now is one of the top performing ones in england apparantly and they said that most sixth form students get their first choice of university so i'm really hoping i get the grades and get in because the courses seem so good!

wish me luck :)